Understanding Sex, Love and Porn Addiction and How it impacts Families
People openly talk about “being in recovery” from substance use disorders. Movies and articles applaud individuals for rising up from the circumstances of their addiction. Somehow, process addictions haven’t become “normalized” at the media level. Process addictions can involve sex, love, pornography and codependency. Just like other addictions, when someone “acts out” in their addiction, there are consequences for families and loved ones. Yet, somehow these are harder to identify, harder to discuss with others, and as it turns out, there are fewer treatment resources. That’s why Family Recovery Collective decided to provide answers to common questions about process addictions.
It has been said that we are biologically driven by three main survival impulses: food, sex, and affiliation. In earlier blogs, we discuss the dopaminergic process of addiction where certain activities and/or substances hyperactivate the reward system of the brain. As a basis for this overview, we place no judgment on a biological process that can become overstimulated and lead to addiction.
When someone we care about struggles with issues related to sex, love, or porn addiction, it's natural to feel a mix of concern, confusion, and maybe even disgust or betrayal. Still, there is also often a deep desire to help. Here are some questions a loved one or partner might ask:
1. What are sex, love and porn addictions, and how do I recognize them in my partner?
2. What treatment options are available for these addictions?
3. What is codependency, and how does it relate to sex, love, and porn addiction?
4. How do we navigate the emotional fallout and rebuild trust and intimacy in our relationship?
5. What self-care strategies can be used to promote the family and loved one’s recovery?
Key terms:
Intimacy and/or Intimate relationships: The experience of feeling deeply understood and seen by another person. Exhibiting authenticity and honest communication. A relationship where there are stated and unstated expectations from each other which is foundational to establishing trust and connection.
Intimacy disorders: This is a broad term meant to more accurately describe problematic sex, love, and porn use. Intimacy disorders can stem from past traumas, such as abuse or neglect, and are characterized by intense fear of vulnerability, rejection, or abandonment. Individuals may struggle with trust, have difficulty expressing emotions, or exhibit behaviors that sabotage relationships.
Acting out: A general term used to describe addictive substance use or behavior that is not in alignment with personal values or agreed upon expectations in a relationship. With regard to addiction, it can include preoccupation with or use of substances or behavior and continued use or behavior despite negative consequences.
Bottom lines: In the context of process addiction recovery, “bottom lines” are behavior that a person has determined are problematic and thus, they will not engage.
Cross-addiction: When an individual is actively addicted to more than one substance at the same time they are experiencing compulsive or addictive behavior.
Understanding Addiction: Sex, Love, and Porn
Addiction is a complex condition characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences. It involves a combination of biological, psychological, and social factors. When we talk about sex, love, and porn addiction, we're referring to specific types of compulsive behaviors that can disrupt lives and relationships.
It is important to note that sex, love, or porn are not recognized under the umbrella of addiction in either the International Classification of Diseases (ICD) or the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) Rather, compulsive and problematic sex and porn use as well as compulsive and problematic relationship engagement are recognized by addiction professionals as “addiction” because they share the hallmarks (powerlessness, continued use despite negative consequences, compulsion or obsession, etc.) of other diagnosable addictions.
Sex Addiction
Sex addiction, sometimes called hypersexuality or compulsive sexuality, is an obsession with sexual thoughts, feelings, or activities to the extent that it interferes with daily life and relationships. People with sex addiction might engage in risky behaviors, have multiple affairs, or use sex as a way to cope with stress or emotional pain.
Love Addiction
Love addiction is characterized by an unhealthy dependency on relationships and the emotional highs and lows associated with romantic entanglements. Those with love addiction might constantly seek new relationships, become excessively attached to partners, or stay in toxic relationships due to a fear of being alone.
Porn Addiction
Porn addiction involves compulsive consumption of pornography, often to the detriment of personal relationships, work, and daily functioning. It can lead to distorted views of sex and intimacy and can be particularly damaging due to the ease of access and the escalating nature of the content.
Signs and Symptoms
Recognizing the signs and symptoms of these addictions can be challenging because determining what is “normal” or “acceptable” behavior is influenced by our biological, psychological and social experiences. Key influences are our family, our peer group, our sexual experiences, messages received in our community, religion, and media. Generally speaking, if the behavior is problematic in the context of the relationship, then it should be discussed, especially if any of the following symptoms are present:
Sex Addiction Symptoms:
- Preoccupation with sexual thoughts and fantasies
- Inability to control sexual behaviors
- Engaging in risky or unsafe sexual practices
- Neglecting responsibilities or relationships due to sexual activities
- Experiencing feelings of guilt, shame, or distress related to sexual behavior
Love Addiction Symptoms:
- Obsessive thoughts about a partner or potential partner
- Constant need for reassurance and validation from a partner
- Tendency to fall in love quickly and deeply
- Staying in unhealthy or abusive relationships
- Feeling incomplete or worthless without a romantic partner
Porn Addiction Symptoms:
- Spending excessive time and/or money viewing pornography
- Neglecting personal or professional responsibilities
- Escalating consumption of more extreme or taboo content
- Experiencing distress or anxiety when unable to access pornography
- Struggling to achieve sexual satisfaction without pornography
Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal trauma can happen in a relationship when one partner acts out in an intimacy disorder. It occurs when someone we deeply trust violates our trust in a profound way, often shattering our sense of safety and security. This form of trauma is commonly associated with intimate relationships where infidelity, deceit, or addiction (such as sex or porn addiction) is present. The emotional impact can be devastating, leading to feelings of shock, confusion, anger, and profound sadness. Individuals experiencing betrayal trauma often struggle with symptoms similar to those of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), such as hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and difficulty trusting others. The betrayal shakes the very foundation of their sense of reality, making it challenging to distinguish between what is true and what is false.
The aftermath of betrayal trauma can have long-lasting effects on an individual's mental health and well-being. It can erode self-esteem, cause intense emotional pain, and lead to a pervasive sense of betrayal and mistrust. Relationships are often severely impacted, as the betrayed person may find it difficult to reconnect emotionally and physically with their partner. Healing from betrayal trauma requires time, support, and often professional help. Individual and Couples Therapy can provide a safe space for processing emotions, rebuilding trust, and developing healthy coping mechanisms. For the betrayed partner, the journey to recovery involves not only understanding and processing the betrayal but also redefining their sense of self and learning to trust again.
Supporting Your Partner Without Enabling, Beginning the Healing Journey
Supporting a partner with addiction requires a delicate balance. You want to offer compassion and understanding without enabling their destructive behaviors. You also likely need your own support.
Start by Educating Yourself
Understanding the nature of addiction is the first step. Read books, listen to podcasts and videos, attend support groups, or talk to professionals to gain a deeper insight into what your partner is experiencing. There are 12-step communities such as S-Anon and COSA which are specifically for those families and friends impacted by a loved one’s sexual compulsivity. CODA is a 12-step community for people who struggle with codependent behaviors. Online and in-person meetings are available. FRC offers additional recommendations and resources in our membership.
Set Helpful Boundaries
Helpful boundaries are crucial. Indeed, some behavior may be risky to your health. So many times, problems have existed for years but the partners have not discussed what is happening. Communicate clearly about what behaviors are unacceptable and what the consequences will be if those boundaries are crossed. This helps protect your own well-being and encourages your partner to take responsibility for their actions.
Encourage Professional Help, Seek Someone with Specialized Training
Addiction often requires a professional evaluation and treatment. Notably, cross-addiction to alcohol and drugs is common with intimacy disorders. It may be hard to know where one addiction ends and the other begins. Therefore, it is vitally important to the overall outcome of a treatment program for intimacy disorders to be discussed with treatment providers.
And, there are fewer residential treatment programs that treat intimacy disorders as a primary diagnosis. Partial Hospitalization Programs and Intensive Outpatient Programs offered by local providers are more common (and often less expensive). Because sex, love, and pornography addictions are not officially diagnosable, they are unlikely to be covered by insurance for primary treatment. However, if your loved one has a primary diagnosis of chemical addiction, depression, PTSD or something that is covered by insurance, then finding a facility that treats their primary diagnosis AND can also treat an intimacy disorder may be the most financially accessible option for help.
Encourage your partner to seek an assessment and follow treatment recommendations. Get help for yourself. Treatment professionals can receive specialized training such as Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT),Associate Sex Addiction Therapist (ASAT) or Sex Therapist (certified through AASECT). We discuss the therapeutic philosophies of each program in our interview with Arch Wright and highlight them in the Sex Addiction Resource found in our FRC Resource Library. Working with treatment professionals whose training and perspective align with your family’s needs is critical.
Breaking the Cycle and Beginning Family Recovery
Dealing with sex, love, or porn addiction in a relationship is incredibly challenging, but it's possible to navigate these issues with understanding, support, and commitment. By recognizing the signs, seeking professional help, setting healthy boundaries, and maintaining open communication, partners and families can work together to overcome addiction and build a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Participation in FRC and its Support Spaces is one way to break the isolation. Remember to take care of your own well-being and seek support when needed, as a strong, balanced relationship starts.
